Powerless by Phil P. (Des Moines, Iowa)

It was 1977. I was laying in a church fountain all hurting and dope sick, looking up at some kind of statue, pleading for Help. I didn’t know how or if I would ever be able to get out of the mess I was in. That ‘beast’ had me. A week later I ended up in the San Diego County Jail for sales of cocaine!

23 years later, all that pain and desperation I had long ago experienced, never entered my mind when I did that first line.

My electricity, shut off for over a week in the middle of winter with a 20 below wind-chill. My kids lay cold in their beds, hearing their daddy outside the bedroom door, geeking for crumbs on the floor all night long. I could only think of getting that next hit. Nothing else mattered, nothing.

Powerlessness … I was trapped in my own insanity … again!

With every hit I would take, that voice in my head, would say “This is evil” … “You’re killing yourself” … “Is this how you want your children to see you die?” … and still I would light that pipe. Hoping that my heart would just burst, ending it once and for all.

I will never ever forget that night …

I didn’t have to be told that I was powerless over cocaine, one hit and I would be off and running again. Just how could I stop myself from taking that first hit? That was my problem.

How was I to live without drugs? I sure didn’t know. I was introduced to C.A., Cocaine Anonymous, while I was in treatment. They talked about the Twelve Steps. Those first couple of days of this journey, were a bit shaky. I was introduced to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous at these meetings. This book saved my life!!!

I have been attending C.A. meetings ever since. I can relate to these people. They truly understand what I was going through. It was suggested that I work the Twelve Steps.

I found a Power Greater than myself in the rooms of Cocaine Anonymous. Living, ‘One Day At A Time’, is so much easier to say than to do. But some how I have managed to stack a few of them in a row. I now have peace like I have never known before.

As written in A Vision For You “Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.”